AUTO REPAIR FOR THE CLUELESS by Janet Cipolli

Most people really don't care what goes on under the hood of their car. They just want to get in, start it up and let blind faith get them to wherever they're going. Then the unexpected happens. We’ve all been there. You’re driving along, not a care in the world, and then –BANG! You drive the next few miles praying to all the saints, including Al Sharpton, that the god-awful noise your car has decided to make will just go away. But it doesn’t, in fact it gets worse.

If you’re like the majority of folk, the very idea of bringing your car into a repair shop can be unnerving—and rightly so. Auto repair shops are as intimidating as a Hells Angel standing behind you in line at Krispy Kreme (you leave with a dozen Plain and decide to return later); as eerie and uninviting as that banjo-picker from "Deliverance". Car mechanics have always belonged to an exclusive and impenetrable boys club of sorts. Unfortunately, the sound of metal scraping concrete says it's time to bite the lug nut. With your tailpipe between your legs, you humbly enter the local garage with the hope that it’s not that bad. Of course, it’s never that bad—it’s always worse, far worse.

Whenever the clueless walk into a repair shop, there’s always a “tell” that gives our ignorance away.

For men, it’s either the way they’re dressed (never wear a suit to a garage and if you’ve been out golfing do yourself a favor and go home and change first) or the lack of tattoos (this says you have no interest in male bonding and that alone could cost you). If you’re a manly man and sport a tat or two, try wiping that forced look of infinite knowledge off your face. Mechanics are trained to smell fear.

If you’re a woman, you’re better off finding someone named Butch to take your car in for a repair estimate. An auto repair shop is no place for a woman. It’s like walking into the back room of a bar. Every mechanic stops what they're doing to compare you to their ideal which is usually hanging right above their toolbox. Did you ever notice that it’s always January in a repair shop?

Since requiring the services of a mechanic is about as inevitable as needing a dentist at some point in your life (and just as painful), finding one located conveniently nearby and running a background check on him might prove beneficial. Here are three easy steps you can take:

1) Find out how the mechanic likes his coffee and what kind of doughnuts he enjoys, then on a weekly basis, just drop in on him without requiring any service—this tells him you care and will definitely keep the future cost of any minor repairs to a minimum.

2) If your mechanic is married, find out what kind of perfume his wife wears and buy large quantities to keep on hand at all times. This comes in handy when faced with more serious engine problems.

3) For a full-blown transmission, the mother-of-all-repairs, just go for the 14-day cruise around the Mediterranean. Trust me, it will cost you far less-just ask the putz standing next to you-yeah, the one wearing the forced look of infinite knowledge.

Of course, these aren’t your only option. Barnes & Noble offers CAR REPAIR FOR DUMMIES but like the title suggests you’re already an idiot so just leave a blank check the next time you crack a head gasket.

There’s a good reason why mechanics over-charge to repair your car—because they can.

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Copyright 2011 by Janet Cipolli. All Rights Reserved.